My apologies

I like to tell myself that my personal life philosophy is simple...I tell myself that I must always love others and that I must try to stay appreciative of my blessings. The sad truth is that I never seem to act on what I pretend are my principles. Theoretically, I believe in it with all my heart, but realistically, my selfishness always gets in the way of how I want to behave. I pursue what I want without considering how my actions might affect other people… I hold other people to a standard that I myself can never match up to… I make selfish demands for love and friendship that I don’t necessarily deserve.

I think that I am happy most of the time. And really, it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy. Sometimes my happiest moments are based on really trivial things, like finding out the best way to organize my socks/underwear drawer, or having someone rush by on their way to class, only to stop for a little hug, or making doodles of anthropomorphic animals having adventures in the margins of my terrible class notes. My mom always said that I was good at entertaining myself, and I am.

I wish I could be more mature.

It’s not as if guilt just springs out of nowhere…there must be something you did that made a part of you cry out in dissent. Maybe you muted that voice then, and covered it up in excuses and frivolity to try to forget, but it has a way of resurfacing from time to time. Sometimes I have mornings when I wake up a bit too early, and look out the window to find a grey, silent sky… and resting my fingertips on the cold glass, I suddenly get the sense of a drop of rain hitting a well hidden somewhere inside myself.